“And if we forgive life for not being what we told it to be, or expected, or wished, or longed for it to be, we forgive ourselves for not being what we might have been also. And then we can be what we are, which is boundless.”
I read this in a passage of another blog I follow (I apologize I cannot remember which one!) and it just clicked. The parts of my brain that push and push and push me connected to the parts of my brain that don’t give a shit, and everything just went “oh..” I hope that makes a little bit of sense. In cognitive psychology, there are thoughts called cognitive distortions; these are thoughts that are not true, but are warped by our minds. I’m prone to seeing the world in black and white, in extremes, in poles. Part of me has to be the best, and another part doesn’t want to try or care at all. A couple months ago, I was pushing myself so hard to do everything all the time perfectly. Now everything has sort of swung the opposite way, and I don’t really care about much. I build up a lot in the future; I put a lot of hope (excessive) into what will happen and I become incredibly disappointed in it.
I can forgive the world. It’s not about changing myself or making myself fit into what I think I have to be. The world is not perfect, why should I be to fit in with it? I can forgive the world for not being everything I hoped it to be, and I can forgive myself for not matching that world I created in my head.
Once I release my unattainable expectations, I am left with me. And that terrifies me yet excites me at the same time. I’ve been so cluttered with insignificance for so long, I’ve become unfamiliar with who I am when the external world stops but I keep moving. I feel the desire to become reacquainted with myself. For months, I’ve been shoved away myself and avoiding my own self because I saw it as the enemy. All these conflicts that exist aren’t black and white. They aren’t my mind vs myself vs my body vs the world. It’s all integrated. I just have to allow it to be instead of fighting it. I can still care about things. I can still put in effort. I would like to reevaluate what failure and success are in my eyes, because in the end that’s all that matters. I can get fired from my job, fail out of school, the whole thing, but if I feel that satisfaction that I did the best I could I don’t need to hold on to that failure people label me. I have the power to define things in my terms.
Side note: it scares me that I have the ability to be boundless. It’s so vast and abstract.