Side Note: After writing my entry on self-harm, I’ve had a hard time writing the next entry. What do you write after that? I didn’t want to just abandon my blog so soon after beginning it. It would just be me running away from my feelings again. That’s why I can never keep a journal. I get caught up in rereading my entries and in a way getting stuck in that past moment.
I hate Facebook. I hate reading all the amazing things (who knows if they are true) people are doing; I hate the social comparison, and I hate the competition. I just wanted to get that out of the way. On your Facebook profile, there is a quote section. I used to clutter it with up to 15 quotes that I felt “defined me.” Now it only has one:
Spread the light
Be the light.”
I function best with simplicity, in all senses of the word. For most of my teen life, I have been packing on commitment after commitment. I always had a zillion responsibilities at once because I wanted to be the best. I hit my breaking point last spring because I did the same thing. I crammed as much as possible into my life as possible, the things I felt I needed to succeed. I was taking 4 classes and 2 internships, a total of 24 units (the recommended amount being 16). I was applying to Peace Corps (have since abandoned that idea). I was planning out graduate schools (before I decided to take time off). I was also fighting with my mom and barely speaking to her. Honestly looking back I have no idea how I survived that with the sanity level I have now. I was preparing for a life I thought I needed to succeed in life. Through that time, I was traveling heavy – heavy with stress, responsibility, expectations. I was only looking at the end point and at that point it wasn’t even real. I made up this imagery finish line in my head. So now, I travel light. I don’t take too much on. I make time to enjoy life, because when I am weighed down by so much I cannot appreciate anything.
Live light I interpret as my future. My goals are now my hopes. My goals used to be what I thought I had to do. I don’t have to do anything. I just have to strive to be happy and to help those around me be happy. I live light in my mind, body and future. Or I hope to entirely embody that one day.
I’ve always found happiness in community service and helping others. I want to go into psychology; of course I love helping people! I already found a place I want to volunteer at when I move back home. There is a cat sanctuary in Sacramento that is anti-euthanasia. I already spoke to them and I want to work there. My girlfriend and I fell in love with one of their cats, Ziggy. He’s a little white and gray tabby with no teeth making his tongue stick out. He’d be a perfect buddy for our cat Phantom. I get a lot of happiness and inner calm by helping others. It gets me out of my head. It keeps me sane. I want to spread the light in my life.
The last line of this quote is to be the light. It sounds a little ridiculous, but I love it. You know when you meet someone and they just give off that positive, carefree, light vibe? I want to be that person. I want to be the light in every part of who I am and what I do.
This is my own interpretation of this quote. I feel like maybe right now I am not living up to it, but it is my hope to reach it some day. I try not to make outrageous expectations for myself, like I know myself to do. I want to embody simplicity. I want to wake up next to the woman I love, garden, read, stroll, sit at my vanity table and take my time at applying my make up. I want the leisure and comfort of routine and security. I never thought I would, but once you find the one you want to spend your life with, everything falls into place. I have love, I have a positive future, I have my family. I don’t need anything else to clutter my life.